A year i was full of hope. a year ago I felt that I had found my place in the world and knew how I was going to get it and 9 months ago it all fell apart. since then i have been adrift, lost in a neverending sea of broken plans and depression. i honestly have no idea what my purpose on this planet is now. the only bright spots for me are my girls. jenn has been awesome in understanding that i am trying to find my way but i feel like even that is starting to give way. allie and abbie love me and i them but unfortunately there is no way to turn that into a steady income. i'm not expecting to find some magical job where every day is a party i just wish that i could find on where i don't want to slam my head in a car door everyday. i feel worthless and less than whole. there is a hole in my heart and my soul where a father should have been but i can't believe that he ever really cared about me. for christmas this year he sent me 2 tiffany table lamps. i don't have end tables in my house but i have 2 lamps for them. people say that giving money as a gift is unpersonal but i think that this is a more unpersonal gift than money would have been. he sends me these lamps that are extremely fragile having never even seen my house and knowing that I have two small kids. but at least he broke the 3 year streak of giving me women's clothes. i wish that i had made that last part up but i did not. i know that this blog is all over the place but it's not as though anyone is going to read it. i merely felt like typing for some reason. i am thinking of writing a some stories about people that are more miserable than me so that i have someone to look at and say "well things could be worse" i am going to my papa ps house tomorrow to build a light box so that i can take fancy pictures of random crap which also happens to be the name of my coffee table book (don't steal my idea) i don't usually get caught up in movie casting speculation but if marvel does not cast scott porter as captain america i might just have to nerd out on the internet. i feel like my depression is causing me to slip into vices which is not like me at all. i want to drink all day, i keep toying with the idea of starting smoking, and i gamble every chance that i get. i really need to find a job with somewhat regular hours. that would make a lot of this go away. i don't think i am going to watch the oscars this year due to my unbridled hatred of monique. i watched the neverending story tonight for the first time in years and that movie sucks. i either had very low standards as a kid or i was very stupid. i may have been stupid because i went back and watched several episodes of 21 jumpstreet and that show is terrible now. so ofcourse it's being made into a movie by jonah hill, because if you are like me when you think of a teenage police melodrama you think of jonah hill. we live in an age where everything is being remade why has no one taken a stab at that piece of shit? but i guess if you are going to remake an old movie into a new shittier movie you want to start with something good. how jaded am i where whenever i hear that someone has hanged themselves i immediately think it's auto-erotic asphyxiation? i named the poker hand jack 8 the david carradine for that very reason. i have taken to wearing 2 different socks for no other reason but i am too lazy to find a match. i want to sell most of my stuff from my early 20s but i can't be bothered to list them on eBay add that to the fact that i hate going to the post office and it's a recipe for hording. i thought that typing all of this out would be cathartic but it's only made me sadder. goodnight
btw have you seen roger ebert lately? poor bastard.
oh and if for some reason someone does read this don't worry i'm to vain to even think of killing myself. i am strongly considering therapy though. goodnight again
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